I’ve been listening to a podcast lately and one of the questions they asked/talked about was, “Are you thriving or surviving motherhood?” haha I’m definitely on the surviving end of that spectrum.
Have you ever had one of those days where everything just seems overwhelming, out of your control and extremely chaotic? Maybe one of those weeks? Months? Years? Yeah, I’m having one of each of those.
Last year was especially hard. Everyday I relive a certain 48 hours plus the 48 days following. Most people know exactly what I’m talking about. I’m talking about the whole shebang when the two most beautiful little girls entered this world. When you read that sentence it makes it seem like it was a perfect day, all bright and shiny, exciting. And it was. Somewhat. Of course I was excited to have the girls, but here is the reality of a/my emergency c-section. Here is the reality I relive in my head and heart every single day.
I carried my baby girls for 32 long weeks, hoping and wanting to carry them so much longer. I dealt with preeclampsia, preterm labor, had one of the girls with a failing placenta and a growth restriction (IUGR). I also loved, nourished, and prayed for these sweet girls for months. I spent almost two days being poked, prodded, pushed, and cut for these two.
Every mother wants to pull her baby onto her belly and hear that first cry. She wants to be the first to hold her newborn. She wants to watch the father of her child cut the umbilical cord. She wants to hear the oohs and awwws of the nurses as baby is weighed and measured, while someone rubs her forehead and tells her how proud she ought to be, how hard she worked, and how amazing she did.
Instead, c section mommas are wheeled into an operating room and limited to how many loved ones can support them. They are cut open, have their babies pulled from their bellies, and quickly taken away.
We don’t get to see or hold our children first. I sat wondering for minutes, which seemed like hours, if the girls were okay. Unable to move, strapped to the OR bed, as my girls were quickly whisked off to the NICU. I got to hear two little faint cries as they were passed through. That’s all. I was stuck on a table waiting on doctors to stitch my belly back together, while hoping and praying my babies were okay (aka a major anxiety attack in my case).
I delivered Sawyer vaginally, and this was my first experience with a cesarean section. I was scared out of my mind as I had to leave my life and the life of my girls in the doctor’s and the Lord’s hands. I was completely helpless.
While I totally respected cesarean section moms before, July 28, 2019, my eyes were truly opened to how terrifying this process can be. If you think a c section is something to take lightly, you’re wrong. If you think it isn’t giving birth, you’re wrong. If you think its the easy way out, you are SO wrong. You will never know the fear, hopelessness, the heartbreak of a mom that has gone through a cesarean section unless you take a walk in her shoes.
To be honest, you remember those writings I have started multiple times? This was one of them. I wrote this while sitting in the NICU watching my babies fight. Survive. Hooked up to different monitors.
Through it all, the pain, the trauma, I keep reminding myself that my girls are here, alive, and are now thriving. Also that I am here. I survived and am a mother to two perfect little girls. I thank God multiple times a day for my life and all the trials I have overcome.
This is where we make our own Sunshine. 🙂
*if you have any questions about my experience or just in general, feel free to comment or email me!*